To Be a Manly Man
by advancedfish
Summary: In which Shunsui Kyoraku consults the Captains of Seireitei in an attempt to become manlier.
1. Close Enough

**To Be a Manly Man  
**

**Summary: In which Shunsui Kyoraku consults the Captains of Seireitei in an attempt to become manlier.**

**Rated: T to be safe.**

**Bleach does not belong to me…and I'm not sure whether I made Shunsui revoltingly out of character.**

It was a beautiful, breezy day in Seireitei. Birds twittered cheerfully in the 8th Division gardens. The trees swayed in tune to the avian song. Spring was in full swing, and everything seemed to be rejoicing. Except for those in the 8th Division Offices.

"Nanao-chann…why won't you go out with me?"

"Because…because you're not manly enough…yes. Because you're not manly enough," Nanao said the first thing she came up with; her captain had been pestering her all day, since the sake shop was closed. "Taichou, you should go outside and go get some fresh air…ah, perhaps that will cure your lack of manliness." Nanao was desperate for peace and quiet, and was ready to stoop to new lows to get it.

"What? I've got plenty of man in me," Shunsui replied, shaking his head in disappointment at her taste, but obliged to her wish for him to experience the fresh spring air.

Shunsui sat his rear outside the door, trying to take in as much prescribed fresh air as possible. He whipped a mirror (with 5x magnification!) out of nowhere, and proceeded to examine his face, wondering if the fresh air had helped relieve his symptoms of un-manliness.

Alas, it appeared it had not.

Shunsui put the mirror away, and proceeded to think (an action some thought wasn't possible for him). Nanao-chan had said he was not manly. Therefore, he needed to be manly.

"Aha! Problem solved," the captain said, rising from the ground, but soon plopped down again. How would he become manly? "Nanao-chan had said it was near impossible, and I still have a long way to go..." He decided that he needed some help on the journey to manliness. He started making up a list in his mind of manly captains.

Shunsui immediately discounted Captain Yamamoto. He was so old, there was absolutely no doubt he had forgot how to be manly many a year ago. He was in the act of considering Soifon-taichou, but promptly remembered that Soifon was, in fact, not a man, and therefore could not possibly be manly. Womanly, perhaps.

It then struck him that the word 'womanly' was only two letters away from 'manly' and that surely only being two letters away was closer to being manly in his current state. Close enough, right?

Shunsui rose up on his feet, and shunpo'd towards the 2nd Division Offices.

"I'd like to see Soifon-taichou, please," he said pleasantly to the shinigami that was guarding the door.

"Our taichou's a bit busy, you know, Kyoraku-taichou. Something about top-secret business," the young guard replied seriously.

"Ah, my good man, er, shinigami, but, you see, I have top-secret business with her. My top-secret business tops her top-secret business…and that's not what I meant," he added hastily to the guard that had suddenly blanched, "just…just let me in, will you?"

"Ah…just let me consult Soifon-taichou," the guard said hurriedly, not wanting to hear more of Kyoraku's 'top-secret business.' A moment later, he reappeared, saying, "Right this way, Kyoraku-taichou."

--

As Shunsui entered the room, he heard a squeal of surprise, followed by a quick rustling and shuffling. "Ah…Soifon-taichou?" he said, slightly worried he was intruding. Not that he wasn't doing so already, but it could be worse.

"Yes, Kyoraku-taichou? Come in."

Shunsui did so, and looked around. There was a tuft of oddly familiar purple hair in a case on top of a table, and Shunsui could see a limp, black, furry tail sticking out of the drawer.

"Is that….?" He pointed to the drawer, quirking an eyebrow.

"Oh…that's a gift…for my…nephew…plush cat…likes those things…" Soifon's explanation was barely coherent.

"Ah…I wasn't aware you had a nephew, but…" Shunsui did not quite understand, but he guessed it was a woman's sort of thing. "By the way, Soifon, I came across a term while…reading and I wanted to know your view of the word 'womanly.' What do you think makes up a womanly person?"

"Excellent question, my dear Kyoraku-taichou!" Soifon was instantly ablaze with eagerness, "Womanly…well, a womanly person needs…an air of…dignity! Yes, dignity! And they need to have an air of power, as well! They need to have adept skills! If you want an example, just take, for example, of course…Yoruichi-sama…" Soifon then went off on a tangent about all of Yoruichi's fine points.

Shunsui decided it was high time to stop intruding on Soifon's hospitality. Besides, he didn't want to land himself two letters from manliness. He would rather land right on the mark, impossible as it might be.

It was also high time to visit Jyuushirou for advice.

--

**Reviews, please?**

**Hasn't been beta'd, so all corrections/suggestions will be appreicated.**

**Plot ideas will also be appreciated too.**


	2. Little Bit of Luck

"You want me to make up a list of manly captains?" Ukitake said incredulously, spitting out a sip of tea. After a moment of lamenting the wasted sip, he continued, "Shunsui, what are you up to? I know you're up to something."

"Absolutely nothing, Jyuushiro!" Shunsui said jovially, clapping his old friend on the back, "Why would you accuse me of such an unjust thing?"

_A/N: Old as in 'friend from a long time ago.' Jyuushiro requested that I clear that up, as he as received lots of mail inquiring his age._

"Perhaps because you don't ask me about manly captains on a regular basis. Womanly captains, yes, but not manly captains. Have you changed your sexual orientation?"

"Nope. I want to be manlier, in order to win the heart of my lovely Nanao-chan!" Shunsui attempted to strike a heroic pose, but failed miserably, happening to slip on a rubber model of the human lung. "Why do you have a model of the human lung in your room, anyway?"

"Oh…it's a…present…for…my nephew."

"You know," Shunsui said thoughtfully, scratching his facial hair, "a lot of captains have gifts for their nephews lately. Soifon-taichou had a black furry plush cat for her nephew."

"No, really, it's a present for my nephew. He wants to learn about tuberculosis. He says he'll cure me one day."

"You have a nephew, Jyuushiro?"

"It's my imaginary nephew," Ukitake said evasively, "Anyway, if you want a list of manly captains, you should check the Shinigami Women's Association. I hear they recently completed that list…but you should steal it and make a copy. Apparently they're very secretive with the results."

"Ah, thanks, Jyuushiro."

"Oh, by the way, Shunsui, and you give this—" here, Ukitake pulled out two stockings stuffed with candy, "can you give this to Shiro-chan if you see him? I don't feel too well today, but I feel bad for him, since he had to handle my work…Kiyone and Sentaro have been absent lately, I wonder why…"

Shunsui took the two stockings, and hid them in his fancy pink haori. He somehow didn't look like he gained a pound.

_A/N: Shunsui has requested me to tell all readers that yes, he has a magic haori, and that yes, he will let you borrow it provided that you are a girl and you are willing to go on a date with him. _

"Well, I'm off, Jyuushiro…wish me luck!"

"You'll need luck, my friend. Preferably a lot, seeing as the president is the one and only Yachiru, and that the vice-president is your vice-captain."

"Don't worry, Jyuushiro," Shunsui responded, "I've bought 10 lottery cards, and they're all a little bit of luck, apparently. All the little bits of luck I have have accumulated into a lot of luck."

And Jyuushiro had to admit, Shunsui had a point there.

--

**Sorry for the short chapter! Next chapter will be longer, I promise. The lottery cards refer to the lottery commercial where they said, "all you need is a little bit of luck." Or something along those lines.  
**

**Any suggestions as to who should be on the list?**

**As always, reviews are appreciated!**


	3. Captainly Quirks

Shunsui decided to walk from the 13th Division to the 8th. The Shinigami's Women's Association had their headquarters there. They had not chosen the 11th Division, for fear that men would randomly burst in, looking for Ichigo. He crept towards the room previously labeled 'Broom Closet,' now the SWA headquarters for all miscellaneous women's activities.

"What are you doing here?"

Shunsui turned quickly around, and nearly spun over in surprise. "Mayuri-taichou! You scared me half to death!!"

The masked man sniffed disdainfully, and replied, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm trying to be manlier. That's why I'm going to make a copy of the SWA's List of Manliest Men. What are you doing here, Mayuri-taichou?"

"Their roasted potatoes are good."

"Oh…so you want to get in too. Want to be partners in crime?"

Mayuri rolled his eyes. "Please. I'm an expert at this."

That said, Shunsui watched Mayuri inserted the long nail of his middle finger into the lock. Amazingly, it clicked open. The scientist swept into the room and immediately set upon devouring the potatoes. Shunsui would've rather devoured sake.

Shunsui sprang into action, shuffling papers and various candies in search of the List of Manliest Men. After a few minutes of searching, he didn't find it. He did, however, find the list of 'Captains We Most Desire a Photo Book for,' and decided it was close enough. He began jotting down names. After he copied down the top five, he decided to look for his name, to see how close to 'manly' he was. Crap. He was 9th place.

"What are you doing here?"

Shunsui glanced up around the room. Mayuri was gone... "Kuchiki-taichou! You scared me half to death!..." After a moment of contemplation he added, "But then I'd be dead…"

"That does not answer my question. What are you doing here, Kyoraku-taichou? Last I checked, you were not part of the SWA."

"Well, you're not either, Byakuya. Unless you mean to tell me you're breaking in too? Or maybe you're a girl in disguise?" Shunsui glanced furtively towards the noble.

"Preposterous. Besides, I am not a woman, nor would I do such a thing. Rukia is absent today, so therefore, it is my duty to see all her responsibilities are taken care of. This is one of them."

"Oh. Well, anyway, I'm dead, so don't mind me...wait! If you're a man, you must be manly! Unless you're like me, of course."

"Kindly refrain from making me concerned about whether you are mentally handicapped. You can do so by refraining from commenting on my manliness."

"But, see, you're first in my list!" Shunsui said, reading his list, "But I'll start from the fifth one all the way up to the first, so I can approach manliness a step at a time...bye, Byakuya!" He sauntered out the door, and felt somebody slam into him. Somebody small. Somebody with pink hair. Somebody hyperactive.

"Sake-san! Sake-san! Why're you here, Sake-san? Don't tell me you're a woman too?"

"Ah…I…" Shunsui trailed off, at a loss for words. But then he took a leaf from Byakuya's book, and stuffed one of Jyuushiro's Super Stuffed Stockings into her mouth. Before anybody else happened to come across him, he quick shunpo'd away.

Yachiru ate the candy, stocking and all.

--

**This meant to be a long chapter, but whatever. I like short chapters. Except this one, since it's pretty boring, or I think so, anyway. It'll get better, so bear with me...  
**

**So, anyway, there will be short chapter updates.**

**Unless there's a long chapter update.**

**Don't hesitate! Vote your favorite manly captain to be on the Photo book list.**

**Or the Manly List.**

**As always, reviews are nice, suggestions are better.**


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